Some notes on surviving the Zombie Apocalypse

With the unfortunate news of the man who was attacked recently and had his face eaten off I think it’s fairly clear that the zombie apocalypse is well on course to occur within the next three to five years. As such I thought I’d use my extensive experience in battling the undead and offer you all some key advice in how you might make it through the early stages of the end of the world as we know it.

A few notes:

  • Zombies will die properly and finally with the destruction of the brain, or by being burned. No other mutilation or abuse will stop them.
  • Zombies are mostly the classic Romero type. Slow, methodical, and intelligent. They move in large groups.
  • The dead rise. Biting etc is not necessary in order to become zombified. Once you die you’re going to rise as a zombie unless your head was destroyed in death.

Weapons

This is a big one, and perhaps the most important in the initial stages of the doom. Typically a lot of people recommend guns. If you have access to any sort of light, easily handled gun, that you can actually use then by all means take it along as a back up. Remember though that riddling a shambling corpse with chest shots will serve no purpose, you must shoot the beast in the head. Ammunition is going to be scarce, and I doubt you know how to make your own, so again we have another reason not to rely on guns.

(Forget the flamethrower. It instantly adds a million points of cool to your stats but be realistic for a minute).

Chainsaws are another fine choice, especially if you plan on being a poser type of zombie slayer. But fuel is already in high demand, and during the apocalypse all out chaos will certainly ensue, so avoiding petrol stations will be essential.

I suggest a good swingable lump of wood. Sure that golf club is nifty in swift swings, and bludgeoning a beast to pulp with a fender looks fantastic, but these choices are easily damaged and not so easily repaired. Also, an electric guitar is just going to be too heavy for relentless death blows. A cricket bat, baseball bat, or even better, a hurley, are fine weapons that apart from being light enough for repeated strikes, also look pretty glorious when splattered in large amounts of undead flesh and blood. They’re also very easy to replace.

Fire

Do you know how to make a fire? What makes good kindling? Get a supply of matches, lighters, some sort of oil/kerosene and treat them like the gold that they are. Then learn how to make a fire anyway. Because if you don’t, when the modern tools run out you will die. Seriously. You’ll die of hypothermia, or exposure, or stupidity.

Food & Water

It’s the end of the world. You’re never eating a steak again. Get over it.

Instead you’re going to focus on the staples of cheap diet: Pasta, rice, and beans. Stockpile as much of this stuff as you can now. It lasts forever, tastes pretty good, and is super easy to cook. We’re not trying to keep you pudgy, just alive. I’m sure you know how to cook these three things, but if you don’t let me please say goodbye now, for even without an apocalypse you are rightly screwed.

Drinking water is going to be tough too. Do you really trust the spring you found on a ramble you took a few years ago? Will drinking it kill you? Probably, but you can’t be fussy. So drink it, then do some big hoping. Or go the Bear Grylls route. Which might send you insane, and render you an outcast from the few other survivors you know, but they’ll do it eventually too.

Clothing

A lot of people are going to die. An awful lot. Take this wonderful opportunity to loot their houses for everything you can carry, but only the good stuff. Start off with rich peoples houses. They more than likely have a lot of stuff that’ll be useful. If you happen to know anyone into adventure/outdoor sports then their house would be a great starting point for all the stuff you need.

You’ll want some waterproof hiking boots. They’ll need to be comfy and suitable for random sprints that occur when running way from the horde.

A light rain jacket would be nice too, but you can’t be too fussy. Something all-weather that’ll be good for cold, wind, and rain would be ideal.

As for the other clothes you should aim for stuff that’s hard wearing, yet not too heavy. And the more pockets it has the better.

Tools and other items

A knife. A good one. Not a kitchen knife, something that you can use to stab a corpse repeatedly in the skull when it falls upon you as you sleep (so yes, always keep it close). Don’t buy one, wait for the apocalypse and ‘obtain’ one.

A saucepan, or pot, or something you can cook in. Small and light is best, but remember that this is also a potential weapon if the zombies aren’t decent enough to let you have your meal in peace.

As mentioned above some kind of fire-starting implements. Arson is frowned upon now, but skills as an efficient flame wielder will be highly sought in the future.

A muti-tool of some sort would be nice, or a small pouch of screwdrivers, spanners and allen keys would be equally as good. They will be as useful at the end as they are now.

A backpack. Jansport bags have some crazy thirty year guarantee or something similar. Get one of those, it’ll last until your inevitable early death.

Finally I’d recommend a small hand axe. This is not for zombie pounding, but can be used in that capacity if necessary. Some places will have doors and windows locked/barred. You simply can not be having that. Hack them down, smash them open. Don’t use your glorious-zombie-bat for this task, it’s too precious.

Medicines and health

(This is being added several hours after writing as it was pointed out to me that there are some benefits to be had that I had not considered)

Pharmacies, find one, smash the doors in, and take as many multivitamins as you can. Like a giant tub of the stuff. Your diet is about to become a terrible mess, and avoiding general ill health is a good idea.

While you’re there also think about stealing a large amount of paracetemol. It’s likely that you’ll end up with some bumps, bruises, cuts and scrapes, along with a persistent and evil headache. Pills will help. But no overdosing. Junkies and stoners will not last long. Sorry guys.

Goodbye and good luck

So that will get you going. The first days will be the most difficult, so having some of the above bits and pieces to hand would be a real boon to your continued life. You may not last forever, but you should be good for a few weeks.

But, if/when you end up as a zombie… Come find me… I’m waiting…

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